Monday, February 05, 2007

Open Letter to Cell Phone Companies

To Whom it May Concern:

Cell phones are great. I'm virtually attached to mine. I love all of the bells and whistles. My phone has a camera, it plays songs (Rock Lobster is the best ring-tone ever), it serves as my alarm clock, my calendar, my lover and my friend.

I have but one complaint. There is only one thing that would make cell phones even more spectacular. Before I buy a cell phone that plays mp3s or wipes my ass for me - I just want one, simple improvement. Can we please do something about the screen that displays who's calling and other graphic information, but unfortunately also prominently showcases my ear-goop?

And may I ask: Does anyone else seem to be slowly wearing away, layer by layer, from their ears? I lose so much ear-goop on a daily basis that I truly cannot comprehend how I still have ears affixed to my head. I'm also appalled by the idea that my preferred method of cleaning said ear-goop from the screen is to wipe vigorously and in a circular motion onto my pant leg. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. Most others seem to be equally disgusting (as I observe the same pant-rubbing behavior on a very regular basis).

Rather than address my cleanliness (or lack thereof), I would prefer that the cell phone companies invent a screen that does not reveal my ear-goop so blatantly. It can't be that hard. A new texture of plastic (perhaps not quite so reflective) should do it. This would be far better than me having to face my own bodily output on an hourly basis.

I appreciate your consideration of this grave matter. Blissful ignorance on how much nastiness I produce is much better I'm quite sure.

Thank you very sincerely,