An Open Letter to Hollywood Celebrities and their Cohorts

Credit for the format on this post goes to my friend at Superbee's Philosophy (link to the right). The open letter is the perfect way for me to communicate my feelings on this serious matter.

Dear Famous People,

It is my opinion (which, let the record show, is a highly informed and well thought out one) that you take your "jobs" and your "lives" far too seriously. I therefore consider it my duty to put you back into your places.

Let's start with the profession of acting. Acting, as far as I can tell, is the career choice of people who wish to do one (or more) of these three things: Make assloads of money, Get assloads of "action," or play make-believe for the rest of their lives. Now I'm not saying I wouldn't jump at the chance to make that kind of cash for being a live action puppet (well...who knows), but I don't think I'd try to convince myself that I was bettering the state of humanity in so doing. Hell, actors never have to grow up. Most of us only do that because we feel we have to. I wanna be an actor and have a big pool with a slide too! Then MTV can come to my house and I can show them where the magic happens!

I do have to admit, even though you annoy me when you make your public statements about whatever the issue du jour is, I can sympathize with your motives. You think you're helping. You want to make the world a better place and you think that since you have all of that money and influence you should speak out! Awww....that is so cute. I just want to pat you on the head and give you a cookie. I'll tell you what: You contribute money to whatever you like, but please don't associate your name or face with any cause. Your celebrity does not add credibility to anyone's plight.

Here's what I know. I've seen you doing interviews. I've heard your attempts at being articulate. Aside from a few (and that is VERY few) exceptions, you are not smart. You don't seem to comprehend the definitions of a lot of big words and your grammar is appalling (that means "surprising in a bad way," for anyone who didn't know). I've actually read that more vacant minded (read: stupid) people are better at acting. This is because they don't have all of those pesky thoughts clouding their ability to assume the role of whichever character they are playing. To you I say: Great! If you're not so bright, then you fit the qualifications for the job. Just don't think now that you've won the popularity contest you should start spouting wisdom. Those great lines you've been reading were written by people with some brains. Their job is to make you sound interesting. If you could do it yourself, you wouldn't need them.

So we've established that you are immature and less than brilliant. I suppose there's nothing really objectionable about that. You can't help it, right? So what I am writing this letter for? Good question! I'm so glad you asked.

I'm sick and tired of hearing about your lives. I will try to explain this simply: When I turn on the news, I want to hear about the world and the important events that will affect my life. I'm talking world hunger, sickness, economic/trade policy...you get the idea (I hope). I do not care who you are dating or which designer made your dress. I especially don't care when you start congratulating each other on how great you've been in this or that film. You're wasting my time. I don't want to sift through your inflated vision of yourself to get to reality. I do not want to know anything about you personally.

Here's how I see you and your industry. You are like old time street performers. The directors turn the crank on the music box. You actors are the cute little monkeys wearing vests and fezzes. I am the hard working citizen who walks by, chuckles, and decides whether to toss a quarter into the up-turned hat at your director's feet. You are a dancing monkey. You dance for me. Your job is to be cute and amuse me.

All I ask is that you keep a little perspective. You're already getting paid in mass quantities to do a job that a lot of people would do for free. Could you try to remember who the boss really is?

Yours Truly,
Kara