Fewer bad actors and more integrity...please!

Amadeus. I watched this film last night. (Please note the use of the word film rather than "movie." This implies film snobbishness and therefore a greater credibility level on my part. Now that we've established that...) The timing was rather appropriate given my recent musical experiences. I've seen it a few times, and with each viewing, another layre is added. Mozart's music is absolutely beautiful. It makes you want to shut everything else out in order to experience its fullness. Unfortunately, with this viewing the new layre was less than beneficial.

Elizabeth Berridge. Where do I begin? How do I even attempt to describe her performance? It was horrible. Rumor has it that she was sleeping with the director. Honestly, there's no other sufficient explanation. Okay, maybe I can come up with one or two other possiblities. Back in 1984 it wasn't nearly as popular for actresses to artificially "enhance." The actress playing Costanza (Mozart's wife) needed to have a rather large rack for the role (see photo above). Given the small talent pool, Berridge got the part. Other possibilities...well, I'll stop there to avoid cruelty.

The point is that she was so terrible in the role that I grew to loathe her and each scene in which she had a part by the end of the movie. There we are, in Vienna, and "Stanzie" has bits of her upstate, NY accent peeking through. Her lines are delivered in a near monotone and her mannerisms are stiff and unconvincing.

Dear Hollywood "film" Directors,

I am concerned about the choices you are making. I understand that many of you are physically unattractive, but you must have some alternative means to getting laid. Here are some suggestions:

1. Buy sports car. The flashier and louder, the better.

2. Start rumor about the size of your member. Remember, size does matter. Any woman who tells you otherwise is simply trying to boost your confidence and is probably laughing with her friends about you.

3. Get into the porn industry. This way your criteria for choosing an actress is actually appropriate and appreciated.

4. Mail order brides.

5. Alcohol. Go out, get 'em liquored up and strap some beer goggles on her!

I appreciate your consideration of these options. I fully understand your urges, but I think we can turn this into a "win-win" if you simply pick one (or two! Double your poontang!) method and use that. This way, you will not deter from innocent movie-goers' (such as myself) entertainment experiences.

Yours Truly,
Kara